Friday, August 16, 2013

A Seedy Location

33 words on happiness brought to you by the latest Trifextra Challenge and a before and after

I thought it might be fun to share a before and after. The first paragraph is my entry for the weekend Trifextra Challenge, and the second is my original draft. It's a tiny sample of what happens when things get pared down for flash fiction--for better or for worse. 

A Seedy Location
I bury. Wait. Water. Cover. Repeat. Offer to the reluctant March sun. Cat prods them in the window, hoping they will explode on the floor. Green surfaces. A tomato proclaims winter will end.




59-word draft
I bury and wait. Water and cover. Make available to the warmth and the reluctant April Sun. The cat prods the cells with her paw, brushes against them hoping to see them explode on the floor and take their place. But one day, a bit of green emerges--a tomato or pepper--and I know the winter will end.

17 comments:

  1. "...a tomato proclaims..."? Gorgeous! Nicely done, Heather!

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  2. I do love tomatoes and peppers, and I love the sights of spring. Unfortunately, because I do everything backwards from the way normal people do things, the changes in light in the spring cause severe depression in me, the way the changes of light in winter cause severe depression in normal people. I may be a vampire or something!

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    1. Thanks for reading, Rose! Vampires are cool. They're the only people who can get away with wearing capes nowadays. ;-)
      Spring is torture for me, because up here winter usually hangs out past its expiration date, and all I want to do is warm up and dig in the dirt.

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  3. Rose, I like both versions, but I think the 33-word piece is stronger. It packs more of a punch. I love the tomato bit--like a defiant burst of red challenging winter's white hold on everything. :) Great job!

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    1. Thanks, Ivy! It's kind of fun to see the change in priorities from draft to draft. It's one of the reasons I love flash--you have to pinpoint the most pertinent details.

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  4. Nicely done!
    Cool to see the original work too.

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting, Alicia!

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  5. I read the before and after - I like both. I like the concise nature of the first one, the short sentences grab my attention. But I also enjoyed the descriptions of the second - especially of the cat.

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    1. Much appreciated, Janna! I think it's kind of funny to look at my drafts and see how my thought process flows, and sometimes changes entirely. I may do a few more before and afters. I wonder if anyone else would be interested in sharing their draft.

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  6. I think the 33 words work well.

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  7. Those jerk cats. That's not how you make tomato sauce, cat!
    The extended version is just as lovely as your 33 words. Thank you for linking up. Please remember to come back and vote!

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    1. Cats can't resist a good splat. :-) Thank you for another great prompt!

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  8. Love the tomato... really works well

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  9. Love this one! How could I not? Interesting to see what you can do with the delete button, isn't it. Tbh, I like both versions.

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